Shopping Horoscopes

Shopping Horoscopes for the western zodiac, written exclusively for Deck of Secrets by The Divinatory Ms M.

Learn more about your shopping habits and weaknesses, or discover whether you’re you a haggler, barterer or free spender…


Aries – March 21 – April 20

How they shop: Aries is the reason January doorbuster sales were banned. Think Maximus in Gladiator fighting for vengeance and replace that with 75% off Patrick Cox. Their clutch purses stained with the blood of their rivals, Ariens depart victorious, taking the last pair in your size with them. Sales assistants be warned: restless rams will start wrapping their hard-won bounty before you can say ‘May I help you?’ and when asked ‘Who’s next?’ invariably answer ‘Me!’. (Delis introduced numbered tickets for this very reason.)   Still, if you loathe the Yuletide throng, give an Aries your gift list. Remind them that Santa delivers in one night, and Aries will have it sorted within the lunch-hour.
What to buy them: Help them burn some excess energy with sporting and exercise equipment, or channel their innate competitiveness into computer or board games. But to avoid a bad case of the crankies, be sure to let them win on a regular basis!
Preferred method of purchase: Haggling – the meek may inherit the earth, but the bold get free aircon thrown in.


Cancer: June 22 – July 23

How they shop: You wouldn’t even know that clandestine Cancer had been stocking their goodie grotto until the day you open the wardrobe to be inundated by an avalanche of crap. I mean treasure, naturally. Check their bags for telltale airline tags – these accumulative crustaceans are continually globetrotting for collectibles to adorn their cosy carapaces. Like Anna Nicole Smith, Cancerians have a soft spot for old things. But unfortunately for their claustrophobic cohabitants’, the value is often purely sentimental. Make sure they’re away for the garage sale. Mercenary merchants hoping to make seafood cocktails from tender crab-meat hearts, beware: pincers are very good at holding onto cash.
What to buy them: Besides extra storage space or some dust-coated curio, Cancer loves a good wok toss. If a complete kitchen fit-out is not on, go for unusual utensils al la Alessi. Serve with a soppy handmade card and you’ll always be welcome for tea.
Preferred method of purchase: Non-consecutive, unmarked bills or jars full of 20-cent pieces.


Taurus: April 21 – May 21

How they shop: Not like the proverbial bull in the china shop at all. Taureans are more likely to peruse, pick out a couple of nice dinner plates, debate the pros and cons, come back tomorrow and do it all again. They are so predictable; three generations of greengrocers greet them as they pass. Trying to get a Taurean to merely bend the habits of a lifetime and shop, say, on the other side of the street will incur more resistance than a peasant revolution. The bucolic bull’s ultimate loyalty however, lies with its stomachs. Promise ample grazing time in greener pastures and they will follow you to any old paddock you wish to go.
What to buy them: Any aid to living la dolce vita. Actually sweets are a good start, as are wines, truffles and anything the doctor said to give up. Just find out their favourite brand. Shouldn’t be too hard, the bins probably overflowing.
Preferred method of purchase: Cash – although they don’t trust those ATM thingies.


Gemini:  May 22 – June 21

How they shop: ‘Can we go now?’ Gemini is the sign Ritalin was developed for. Like an incontinent hummingbird they will dart in and out of shops, barely settling for a second. Grab their attention with some shiny things, or unleash them in the video arcade, but don’t expect them to wait patiently for you. Capricious connoisseurs of novelty, Gemini’s will buy the latest and literally wear it once because it’s already so last week. Yet, if you can pin one down long enough, they will show you the places that Wallpaper* hasn’t even heard of.  When you stop for lunch though, remember: no raspberry cordial.
What to buy them: Gadgets. Anything that looks stolen from a Bond movie is good, as are clothes with useless features: inexplicable zips, hidden pockets, parachute holders etc. A complete home entertainment unit will keep them out of trouble temporarily and give you some well-required respite.
Preferred method of purchase: Lease – Did somebody say ‘upgrade’?!?!


Leo: July 24 – August 23

How they shop: ‘Baby, you look good!’  Before you say ‘Thanks’, please note that Leo can’t see you. While you’ve been trying clothes, they’ve been flirting with their own reflection. Hey, you’re lucky the cat’s come, given their busy schedule. There’s the solarium to stay golden brown, the hairdresser for mane maintenance and the manicurist to keep claws sharpened for serious savanna strutting. But, suggest self-obsession or deny them deity-like deference and they get poutier than a pop princess. This notwithstanding, Leo’s  are extremely generous souls, making them the best sugar mummies/daddies in the jungle. So if you want to drive someone else’s car, stroke a feline ego.
What to buy them: Something so they can see their favourite work of art better – a mirror. They also like the letters CK, D&G and DKNY.  But if that’s beyond budget, buy yourself a gym membership and buff up to become the perfect piece of arm candy.
Preferred method of purchase: Platinum Amex – did someone not hear? Shall I repeat that?


Virgo: August 23 – September 23

How they shop: Armed with Choice magazine and a battery of questions. Virgo is no modest maiden when it comes to consumer rights. Mostly they prefer to peruse in peace, but when they require assistance woe betide any vacuous vendors. They can reel off specs and stats with savant-like skill, the pile of catalogues and manuals in their homes a paper monument to their product knowledge. Virtuous Virgos are not quite as prudish as they are purported to be, but they do expect their purchases to be pristine.  Second-hand, carton damaged or shop soiled won’t even get a dirty look.
What to buy them: The limited edition, Z-series, S-type whatever will make Virgos drop their jaws and drawers, particularly if it has a certificate of authenticity.  But always ensure the packaging is intact, so as not to compromise its collectors-item quality. Virgo doesn’t want to be the laughing stock of the swap meet.
Preferred method of purchase: Cheque or money order - they’re so used to mail order catalogues.


Libra: September 24 – October 23

How they shop: Like consumerism is going out of fashion. Like the 60-minute sale is really only on for an hour. Libra practices a unique form of economic rationalism – ‘If I want it, then I can afford it.’ Notoriously indecisive, if it’s between the blue and the red, they’ll take both. The sign of the scales isn’t always the best at balancing the books. Librans, however, do make excellent purchasing pals, because ‘You can never have too many cocktail frocks’, and ‘Of course you deserve it’. This is however, unless they’re otherwise occupied charming the pants (and other sundry garments) off the staff. Do knock before entering that change room.
What to buy them: They probably already have it. To be safe, go for fine wines and gourmet goodies to help them entertain their phalanx of new-found friends. A deadbolt or Doberman to keep bailiffs at bay may also prove prudent.
Preferred method of purchase: Plastic – The Fingers Crossed Card is their favorite.


Scorpio October 24 – November 22

How they shop: Mmm baby. Oh, yeah. You might expect to see the Barry White of star signs in La Perla, loitering with intent to procure garments for gross indecency. Not there? Try the music store where they bought Boudoir Tunes Vol. 1 and 2. No luck? Maybe Scorpio’s home at the Passion Palazzo, monogramming silk bathrobes. Despite their reported predilection for pleasure, the pelvis does not always guide their shopping divining rod. Savvy Scorpios certainly know how to score – a bargain! Alternately generous and greedy, when Scorpios hit a scrimping spree they stalk the merchandise of their desire and get it, 10% off.  But sell scorpions a dud and expect more than just a poison pen letter…
What to buy them: Several palettes of scented candles, a catering size pack of rose petals and massage oil in economy 1 litre bottles. Underwear that costs as much as outerwear wins popularity points, as do low-friction hearth rugs.
Preferred method of purchase: VIP customer discount card, please.


Sagittarius: November 23 – December 22

How they shop: Another spendthrift sign, money means nothing to Sagittarius except the pleasure it can bring. Fans of fast cars and reckless abandon, the ‘in residence’ sign rarely graces the door of their Playboy mansion, as they are also jet-setting gypsies. (Which is lucky, considering their collective of creditors.) Indeed, nothing makes a Sagg spirit sag like monotony (monogamy?), so when the Sagittarius circus returns to town, good times are guaranteed. However, the archer’s forthright honesty often hits the bull’s-eye of trouble.  If you are prodigious of posterior and sporting too-tight trousers, don’t ask for an opinion unless you can stand a Sagittarian stray arrow.
What to buy them: Airline vouchers and some fake passports are a good place to start, as they never know when they may have to relocate to Rio. Sagittarians frequently sling a few of Cupid’s arrows about, so there may also be a jilted ex or ten to jettison.
Preferred method of purchase: Try-before-you-buy – why commit?


Capricorn: December 22 – January 20

How they shop: Well, they don’t. Not if they can help it.  You see, there are bills to pay, kids to feed…O.K, pets then. Anyway, there’s no point spending on silly labels. You want designer knickers? Get out a Texta, write Calvin Klein on the waistband and save that money for a car, you wastrel. And $250 for French perfume! Frugal goats make theirs in the bathroom using only methylated spirits and vanilla essence.  While they’re not worshipping at the altar of Tonia Todman, Martha Stewart and similar DIY doyennes, Capricorns are busy seeing how far a 7-pack of Rio briefs and a sewing kit will really go.
What to buy them: How-to guides like ‘Sculpting soap dregs into gifts’ and ‘Extract all the toothpaste from the tube’. Otherwise, get plastic mats so you don’t wear down their carpet. After all, they’re the only 21 year-old landlords you know.
Preferred method of purchase: Lay-by – yes, you can wait until your birthday.


Aquarius: January 21 – February 19

How they shop: With hemp string bag in hand and odd socks and Birkenstocks on feet, Aquarius hits the shops. But being the laid-back sign of the zodiac, it often isn’t until closing time. Aquarians adore little market stalls, know all the vendors’ names and will chat for ages without actually buying anything. Don’t ever send them out for milk, you could die waiting. Also never take them grocery shopping, unless you have no immediate plans.  Firstly, they hate supermarkets (ones part of evil multinationals, anyway) but secondly, they will insist on reading all the labels to ensure your garlic bread is organic and GM-matter free.
What to buy them: Perhaps you shouldn’t buy anything because it only promotes excessive production and waste…But if you must, choose something quirky, unusual and made by Mayans. Forget packaging, unless recycled and don’t fret about matching their colour scheme, they don’t have one.
Preferred method of purchase: Bartering – it’s ancient, you don’t need money and it’s fun! Swap you a goat, anyone?


Pisces: February 20 – March 20

How they shop: ‘So what about this?’ If you’re standing outside a change room waiting for a response, keep waiting. They’re not ignoring you; Pisceans just can’t hear you above all the lute playing and sonnet writing happening in their heads. Nonetheless, their rich inner life and amenable nature does allow you to trawl the shops endlessly – they can always amuse themselves.  Just don’t let them out of your sight for too long. Any salesperson with a sob story will have them opening their wallets faster than you can yell ‘No exchange! No return!’ and then poor Pisces is stuck with a cactus/puppy/campervan they didn’t want.
What to buy them: Pisceans would rather furnish their imaginations than their homes, so are beguiled by objects of beauty, not utility. Household appliances don’t make for happy faces. Tickle their aesthetic sensibilities and prevent them from going foetal in this cruel, cruel world by treating them to time out at a luxurious spa retreat.
Preferred method of purchase: You better do it, they’ll forget. You’re carrying their wallet anyway.